His Sins
by Horror-Of-Anarchy
Summary: Timothy Howard is stuck in a hard place, his rape has left him awake and questioning his previous motives and actions, but his heart and dream force him to continue in his selfish ways. Will he chose the only godly and right way, or the way that will lead him to becoming Pope?


Timothy laid awake in bed, his body was trembling and mind was racing. He was at a loss for what to do, how to deal with the thing the devil had taken from him. Tears welled up in his eyes as he realized that if anyone found out, his dreams would be crushed. He wondered if God would forgive him, though he begged her to stop, there was a point in which he told her to keep going. It terrified him that one word may have ruined everything he had ever worked for. His entire life, all he had wanted was to be Pope. To make something of himself, despite his father's doubt. Surely God would see that his male instincts had taken over, that it wasn't really him who said that.

The monsignor slowly sat up, looking at the moonlight as it pooled through his window. He rubbed his eyes, walking over and looking at the landscape beneath him. It never ceased to amaze him that people could doubt the presence of the lord. The idea that all this beauty could have been created by to meteors crashing together was unbelievable. He shook his head, looking up at the moon. "Heavenly father, please forgive me for I have sinned. It seems I started to lose my way. I beg you to guide me into doing the right thing, and to understand that I did not wish to lose my virtue. It was something I held most dear, and was ripped from me by Satan himself. Please do not let this ruin my dream, my plans to spread your word. Amen."

As he finished his prayer, a sick feeling coursed through his veins. This was not his biggest sin, not by a long shot. The things he allowed Arden to do, the lies he told, the ways he harmed Jude. He was no longer a man of God, but a man of self righteousness. Timothy sighed, walking back over to his bed, the feeling of the cold floor beneath his feet sent chills up his spine. How would he fix this? Gain back the respect and love of the Lord? He must right his wrongs. Putting Dr. Arden's experiments to a stop, firing him from Briarcliff. That would certainly be a good start. Yes, that would help, but what would he do with the living mutations? Put them out of their misery? No, that was murder, he certainly couldn't do that. After a moment, he decided the best thing for him to do was to was to seek further guidance from God.

As he started to pray for the second time that night, he slid off the bed and kneeled in front of it. As he asked the lord to guide him into doing the right thing, he wondered why he couldn't find the right on his own. It had always seemed he didn't have to ask, that the Lord would silently tell him, but that had all changed. Timothy believed that one couldn't pray enough, and that it didn't have to be entirely formal for it to work. He smiled a bit, finally feeling a release from the tension. In all honesty, things had gotten hard since he pushed Sister Jude out. She had always been the one to support him and take the weight off of his shoulders, dealing with everything on his own was proving difficult.

He lay back down, closing his eyes and finally feeling some peace. Timothy drifted off within a few minutes, and didn't wake until his his dreams started. The feeling of horror found it's way into the pit of his stomach as he was taken back to the scene of his rape. Pinned against the bed, Mary forcing her no longer pure body onto him. His eyes shot open to find her on in his room. Her pale skin contrasting harshly against the red slip, she was next to his bed smiling. "No - not again." The monsignor whimpered, he swiftly sat up, grabbing ahold of his rosary beads and holding them to his chest. Mary Eunice smiled, "come on Timothy, I missed you! Thought we could have some more fun." She pouted, taking a seat and pushing her blonde hair back behind her ears.

Timothy got to his feet, flipping on the light and seeing that is was nearly 5:00am and he was completely alone, he desperately wished he could go to Briarcliff, seek comfort in Jude like he always had. His entire body was covered in sweat, trembling from fear, the idea that that could happen again was enough to bring him to were many mornings when he would wake her from her slumber to rant or seek guidance from the woman. She was strong, stronger than any woman he had ever met, and admired her for that. The thoughts of Jude brought him back to the day he asked her to help him run Briarcliff.

Sunday Mass in Boston - 1962

"Go in peace to love and serve the lord." Timothy dismissed, finishing what he hoped would be his last Sunday Mass. Though he had grown to love the people and the job, he had larger plans for himself. As the people replied, he carefully looked around for Sister Jude, it was today that he had planned to tell her about the idea for Briarcliff Manor. He had just gotten approval to run the institution, with the help of a nun, he had talked to Mother Claudia and suggested Sister Jude for the job. She decided that though Jude was newer to the church, a job running Briarcliff would work well for her. Over the last month, he had grown closer to the nun, and found he rather enjoyed her company. He had prompted her with questions about her ideas of the mentally ill, and realized they were quite similar to his own. Today was the day he got to break the news, or rather ask her to join. Though the Mother Superior had given her permission, she said it was ultimately Sister Jude's choice. As people started to get up, he stepped down to the floor to greet them, one of his favorite things about doing Mass. The families sharing with him and seeking his counsel. They were always good, gentle people and he loved watching the parents with their many children. He had always figured if he hadn't found his dream to be part of the church, he would be amongst that crowd.

Finally he caught sight of Sister Jude, she was speaking to a family, a large smile on her face. Her smile always amazed him, so genuine and real, it wasn't until she snuck a glance this way that he realized he was staring. To play if off, he smiled right back at her, and proceeded to the doors to talk to people on their way out. Timothy still hadn't planned how to ask her, and was terrified she would turn him down. Not only was she was the only one he would truly trust with the mentally ill, she was the only one he wanted to work along side with. Timothy Howard was a loved man, but it seemed she enjoyed his company, while being a great touchstone for him to rely on.

After all of the families departed, he swiftly walked over to Jude, offering a smile and walking up beside her. "Sister Jude, do you have a prior engagement or can you speak with me for a moment?" He asked, knowing she didn't have plans, but knew it was only polite to ask.

"No Father, I have time." Jude replied with a smile, coming up to walk beside him. She wondered what this was about, but didn't really care as long as she got to spend more time with the man. He was always such a gentleman, which was most of what attracted her to him in the first place.

Timothy smiled, walking them over to the front row of pews and taking a seat. He still wasn't quite sure how to ask her this, but decided to just follow his gut. "Jude you're a very smart woman, and I'm sure have realized how I have been prompting you with somewhat… well odd questions over the last few weeks." He started, it amazed him how scared he was, scared that she wouldn't join him, that he'd have to do it with someone he didn't know nor trust.

"Sister Jude, would you be interested in helping me turn Briarcliff into a home for the mentally ill?" Now that he put it into words, it seemed too blunt, too scary. "I- Mother Claudia recommended you for the job, and well, I guess I liked the idea." The Monsignor told her, searching her brown eyes for her answer.

Jude's mind was racing, he had a way about him that caused her to go giddy like a schoolgirl, which only got worse as he asked her to help him. Help him run Briarcliff. Before he could further explain, a smile had overtaken her face. "I'd be honored ta help ya Father." She told him, barely able to contain her excitement. Mother Superior had chosen her. An old, drunk, who was fairly new to the Church. Then there was the fact that Timothy wanted her there, it made her feel like she truly had found her calling.

Timothy sighed with relief, letting a boyish smile stretch across his face as she told him she would join him. "Oh Jude, I was so worried you'd say no." He exclaimed, grabbing her hand into his and giving it a squeeze.. Recently, he'd been thinking more about his assent in the Catholic church, and realized just how much Briarcliff could help him on this journey.

It was odd for him, he didn't know Sister Jude all that well, but had spent sometime with her over the past few months, and had established a friendship of sorts. Their conversations were mild, but he could see something in her that he liked. She was good to talk to, smart, and had a strong moral compass. He looked down, releasing her hand quickly, and looking away for a moment, figuring that had been inappropriate. "For the rest of the information you will need to speak with Mother Claudia, we are suppose to leave to set up on Wednesday." Timothy told her, standing up and saying goodbye before they parted ways.

As he left the Parish, he decided to take a short walk to clear his head. Something about the combined intelligence and kindness of the woman had amazed him, clouded up his mind. As he walked, he realized just how hard this task would be. These people wouldn't just be mentally ill, they would be criminally insane. It would be dangerous and hard work, but would surely pay off. It seemed a brilliant place to start, to begin his work in truly helping people.

Jude - Briarcliff - Current Day

It was late night, or was it early morning? Jude couldn't be sure, but figured it didn't matter much. Though the idea of morning seemed freeing compared to her chilled and isolated room, she knew she would feel just as cooped up as ever. Her mind was racing which was rather incredible seeing the drugs she was looped up on. Timothy, poor poor Timothy. He had locked her away, put her in this dungeon, she shouldn't pity him. He had lost his virtue to the devil, any knowledge of this could ruin him, ruin his dream… their dream. Of course it wasn't their dream any longer, but she couldn't help but think she had helped him in some way. As she tried to relax in order to get a few more hours of sleep she realized just how cold she was. The thin, ragged dress and torn canvas blanket did next to nothing to protect from the stone walls and lack of heating. She shook her head. "No, no, no." The blonde muttered, trying to remember what it had been like when she ran Briarcliff. Certainly better than this, it had to have been. There was no way Timothy and her would have let them suffer like this, they did what was best… Their work was godly, well, her's was anyway. Wasn't it?

Jude was questioning everything these days, she couldn't be sure what was a hallucination and what was real. She felt everything, the physical and mental pain, the heartache from being abandoned by the Monsignor, from losing an almost daughter figure to the devil. It was enough to drive her to insanity. Of course there was also that, the insanity. As hard as she tried to fight it, it came onto her like a sickness. Being around these people, being treated like them with no hope of getting out, it made it hard not to give in. She flinched, thoughts interrupted by a cockroach crawling across the foot of her cot. Her eyes widened as others scurried out, many others. Within moments there was hundreds of them, they were hissing as they moved towards her.

"Arrgg," she cried, leaping off of the bed and collapsing on the stone cold floor. Jude screamed as the bugs chased after her, she was locked in, stuck in a tiny room with hundreds of bugs. She shut her eyes tightly and tucked her knees up to her chest, sobbs coursing through her body like waves. Jude opened her eyes seconds later to find that there weren't any bugs. There hadn't been any. A harsh scream emitted from her mouth as she realized that she had been hallucinating. It hurt to think about how sad her life was, how she had no purpose. No reason for being here. She didn't do anything, help anyone, hell she couldn't even have a family of her own. When she had joined the church she had thought she could help someone, do something good with her life. When her and Timothy had burdened themselves with the task of Briarcliff she hoped this would be her calling. The thing that would make a difference, but of the late; she had realized she had hurt far more than helped.


End file.
